What if?

"What if it will all work out? What if it will actually work out just the way I planned and worked so hard for? What then?"

Those were the questions which I woke up with....
I'm finding myself these last couple of days acknowledging and realizing what I managed to do these past few years, and of course what was before and led me to where I am today, and something in me starts to wonder: "Is it really going to work out as I saw it in my mind's eye?"

When I was young I didn't know how to control my emotions, how to deal with them, and my emotions were always so intense, sometimes down frightening for some people around me, and all I wanted was to find a way to fit in, to be a part of the group, of the whole, to just feel as if I belong. Being so emotionally intensed always seem to push people away, to scare them off, to keep me isolated, and that scared me to death.

So when I decided to change it, I did the first thing which came to my mind, I started practicing being alone, preparing myself for the option that I will in fact be alone. Yet I did it with wonder, I did it with the desire to learn, to know more, I was curious!! Today, after doing it over and over, I realize that my perspective alone, the way I looked at it and observed it was the exact change I was looking for, the change of the perspective, the point of view I was looking through, changed my life, not the specific change I was looking into.

And so it went on and on, one after the other, I took something I felt I want to change and became curious about it: "What if I do it this way?" and similar questions changed my life forever and made my life a walking bliss. It's not that I don't feel pain and anger anymore, neither fear and confussion or frustration, it is only that I know that it is my perspective which changes the way I feel about them, I can fear them, being scared of the unknown and what they will do to me, and I can look at them with facination and wonder, being curious what made them come up in the first place? And, when I really don't know how to deal and contain them, I can always just breathe, relax my mind, my greatest muscle, and enjoy the breeze or whatever is happening around me. This understanding, this insight, changed my life forever.

So what if? What if people would really want to learn and know this? What if it will all work out?
I am SO curious to see how will it all unfold, I can't say patience had ever been my greatest value ;-)