When I was 6 years old and started going to elementary school my mom took me to school each day, the thing was that the other kids laughed at me for having my mom take me to school. After a week or two, wanting to be a part of the group, to belong, I told my mom to stay at home one day, and went on my own to school. Ever since then I decided that I will do everything on my own, to show I am strong and can do things on my own, so maybe the other kids will appreciate it and want me as a part of their group. That didn't work, so thinking I am probably not strong enough, I increased the things I did on my own, starting with waking up every morning with an alarm clock, arranging my school bag on my own, making my own food for the day and even arranging everything for the school's year trip, which each year grew longer, starting with being two days (one night) away from home on my second grade. In a way, I took away my parents job and never in my life took their advice as the last word on any subject, most of the times I didn't listen at all, always counting on my own knowledge of things to create the right decision and to make the right move when it was needed. That meant, of course, that I had to improve my way of encountering and solving issues which rose from the simple fact I was alive. It wasn't east, it wasn't easy at all.
Looking back at it today I understand I grew up ahead of time, learning about things which was beyond what anyone my age needed to learn and know, yet back then, the need to belong, to feel I am a part of the group, was stronger than anything I could put my hands on. It was that need, that deep unconscious need, which made me suffer all those years. It wasn't the kids, they were a mere reflection for the need I had, and today I am thankful to them for it, after founding my way out of the suffering. Thinking about it today, I realize I had started setting myself free from that need the moment I started looking for my own destination in life, it gave me my life back, it gave me a reason to go on living, even if my need wasn't met, it gave me a reason to waking up in the morning, it gave me a reason to go on breathing, it gave me a reason to why I had to go through such suffering.
Today, after going through a very long inner search, to why am I here, to why am I even alive, to how things happen, to why people suffer, I am looking back and I am deeply thankful for it. I am thankful for the hard years of the search, I am thankful for the intense change I had to go through and I am thankful for the suffering I had to go through for giving me the strength to go through it all.
Today, looking at myself and the growth process I had gone through, I realize it is not over, it has more to offer, I have more to grow up to, and yet, after going through the first process, the early one, I am finding myself scared of what may come.
Growing up to me means to open up, to show myself to others, to show myself to the world, and that scares me, I had a terrible experience trying to fit in as a kid, and I am scared to death of going through it again. It's funny that mentally I understand that I grew up and that people actually like me, more or less, and after moving out of the Kibbutz I had never in my life encountered such a reaction from any group I had met or went into. So am I so scared? why hadn't that changed yet? I have to grow up now, I know I have to, it's not a must as in "if you won't do it something bad will happen", it's a must in the way that if I won't I will feel bad, I will feel bad with myself, it's a must in the way that this is how life works, it's my process of life, growing up.
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