Regret

Last night, just after the new year started, while dancing to myself, enjoying the music, a woman crossed my path, hugging a friend of hers on her way out, or so it seemed at the time. She was facing away from me, hugging her friend, so I couldn't really see her, only her hair was visible to me, yet for some reason I felt something, something inside of me said: "Pay attention!!"

After they finished their hug, she went past me, and I got to see another glimpse of her, yet could not really understand yet what was it that got my attention. Then she turned around and I was floored.

As I came into the bar, about an hour or so before, I immediately took a sit at the bar and ordered myself a beer from the tap (Half a liter of course) so I can welcome the new year with a nice cold glass of beer in my hand.
As I was waiting, before I even got to talk to the bartender, I looked to my left, and there, behind all the people who stood and danced along the way, I got a glimpse of a beautiful woman in a white dress and she just got my attention, I don't know if it's the dress, I love a woman in a dress, or her long dark hair, I love that as well, or simply her beauty, or maybe all together, yet looking at her from a far, I was captivated for a few seconds, that is until my view was blocked by all the dancers which were going at it full on just before the end of last year.

The evening went on, I was on my own, celebrating my connection to myself, the steps I took in the past year and especially in the past month, yet most of all, I made a huge step yesterday evening, I published a video where I present myself as the writer of the sticker: "It's O.K. You can breathe. The change happens by itself." on a website where I ask people to help me fund more of them and to help me spread my message. For me it is a huge step because I was always afraid of people, which was one of the reasons I never wrote my name on the sticker, and here I am saying: "It's me".

So I was enjoying myself, the beer, the music and the dancing, when suddenly, a beautiful woman in a white dress crossed my path. As I turned around to look at her go and realized it was the same woman from before, I immediately understood I just have to go and talk to her, even if just to know her name. You see, I had for years lived by signs, and learned with the years that it is best to go with them rather than to hold back, there is something so special about jumping into the river of life and to let them take me with the flow, without knowing where it may lead, that is actually the greatest fun when you get used to it. All this went within a flash through my head, remembering the regret I always felt when I didn't go and talk to a beautiful woman who attracted my attention, and I found myself going, without thinking, and meeting up close, a woman who captivated my attention, thoughts and my whole being, all the way to now, when I am writing these words.

I don't know what will happen next, that's life's job, I only know one thing, and that is that last night I went to sleep, and this morning I woke up, without the slightest amount of the feeling called: Regret.

What if?

"What if it will all work out? What if it will actually work out just the way I planned and worked so hard for? What then?"

Those were the questions which I woke up with....
I'm finding myself these last couple of days acknowledging and realizing what I managed to do these past few years, and of course what was before and led me to where I am today, and something in me starts to wonder: "Is it really going to work out as I saw it in my mind's eye?"

When I was young I didn't know how to control my emotions, how to deal with them, and my emotions were always so intense, sometimes down frightening for some people around me, and all I wanted was to find a way to fit in, to be a part of the group, of the whole, to just feel as if I belong. Being so emotionally intensed always seem to push people away, to scare them off, to keep me isolated, and that scared me to death.

So when I decided to change it, I did the first thing which came to my mind, I started practicing being alone, preparing myself for the option that I will in fact be alone. Yet I did it with wonder, I did it with the desire to learn, to know more, I was curious!! Today, after doing it over and over, I realize that my perspective alone, the way I looked at it and observed it was the exact change I was looking for, the change of the perspective, the point of view I was looking through, changed my life, not the specific change I was looking into.

And so it went on and on, one after the other, I took something I felt I want to change and became curious about it: "What if I do it this way?" and similar questions changed my life forever and made my life a walking bliss. It's not that I don't feel pain and anger anymore, neither fear and confussion or frustration, it is only that I know that it is my perspective which changes the way I feel about them, I can fear them, being scared of the unknown and what they will do to me, and I can look at them with facination and wonder, being curious what made them come up in the first place? And, when I really don't know how to deal and contain them, I can always just breathe, relax my mind, my greatest muscle, and enjoy the breeze or whatever is happening around me. This understanding, this insight, changed my life forever.

So what if? What if people would really want to learn and know this? What if it will all work out?
I am SO curious to see how will it all unfold, I can't say patience had ever been my greatest value ;-)

Transformation

I was almost always afraid being a kid, there was always a kid who felt like giving all his pain to me in one form or another, so when the question "What if there would be no more sugar?" came to my mind, I immediately started working on releiving that stress, not realizing of course what I was doing at the time.

Two weeks ago it suddenly dawned at me that what I am going through at the moment is a transformation from the consciousness of fear to the consciousness of love, moving from the lack to the existence, from the agony to the compassion, from the pain to the joy. I suddenly realized that it is happening and that I have nothing to do about it except choosing whether I would like to fear it or to love it.

I guess that explains some of the stress I was living in, feeling that the window to learn about fear is closing and that in some point it will all be over. I guess that in order to explain what I just wrote I should also say that my dream, or should I say what I always felt is my calling, is to teach others how to calm themselves down and to be more relaxed and in tune with the rhythm of life. In other words, how to move from the consciousness of fear to the one of love, and to do that with as less stress as possible, since it is actually happening by itself, something I understood along the way.

This last weekend had been one of the most transformative weekends I had gone through for quite some time.
It started with a friend, a good friend, who I never really got to meet until this last Thursday, since she lives in Rome and we met on the net through another friend. She came for just couple of days to Israel, feeling she just had to be here for Christmas, and she's Jewish ;-) We actually met on the very beach it is believed Jesus had shared 2 loafs of bread and 5 fish (I think those are the numbers) to 5000 people, kind of an amazing place to meet someone for the very first time. We realized straight on that we have quite the connection on our current journey on this planet. We had a great day together with some friends of hers and the feeling was great!!

From there I went to visit a very good friend of mine (and his family) for the night and it was so good to see them all. We also started talking about pushing what I do forward and how to help it grow. What I realized with him was what I am actually doing which is changing the way we experience change, an understanding which I was waiting for for a very long time, one which started the transformation I am now experiencing.

The next morning he took me to a village near by where I participated in a healthy food and life style workshop. It was there that already on the first day, at Friday evening, while going through a Tibetian Bowls breathing session, that same realization sank deeper and I started seeing in my mind's eye how to manifest it and with whom. As soon as I came out of the session I started working on it, since two of girls I saw in my mind's eye were there already.

It went on and on like this ever since, things just happen with tremendous velocity and at ease I am familiar with, yet on at this capacity. Things, literally, transform from thoughts to reality with the blink of an eye. Wow!

I will go on now with my day, having so much to do suddenly, I just wanted to send you some love and effortlessnes for the simple reason that is how I see life.

Lots of love and a big hug
Uriel

Excited!!

Do you know this feeling when you wanted something for SO long and suddenly it just starts to manifest right in front of your eyes? Do you know what I'm talking about? I am going through this exact feeling as I am writing these words, I am just SO excited!!! :-)

When I was a kid, I always had this dream, I dreamed that the world I am living in is a nice place to live in, a beautiful place, where people help each other when one needs it, where people smile to one another and share their love, fears and other deep emotions out of the wish to bond, to come closer, to see that we are not alone, that we are all the same, going through the same phases in life and that with a little help from a friend or a new friend (stranger) we can go through anything, I dreamed of Heaven.

Many of you who are reading this post might think: "What is wrong with this guy? Hasn't he seen the latest news?"

Well, no, I don't watch the news for the simple reason there is nothing new in their programs, what their program is aimed for is spreading fear, reminding people why they should listen to what their governments tell them to do and that is the complete opposite of what I am doing, which is spreading love. I'm not here to go against them, they have their agenda, I have mine, yet as I am writing these words I realize that it is my choice where and how to live, in Paradise (Heaven) where I am in love with life and what surrounds me, attracting love to my life, from loving intimate relationships to relationships with friends which are based on love and cooperation, attracting whatever I may need to live with a smile, from jobs to places to live in, whatever I may need so I can focus all my attention on what I love most to do and that is exactly what I am doing right now - spreading the idea of self love. Or... I can live in fear and keep attracting everything I fear of.... Which choice would you make? ;-)

This is the only choice I ever found we actually have in our hands, the perspective which we live our lives in, how we look at our lives actually changes EVERYTHING!!!! :-)

So what would it be? Love or Fear?

By the way, I am so thrilled to tell you that I started a new YouTube channel which is called... (One guess ;-)) where I am sharing my experience about how to change our lives, feel free to drop by, here's a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwagS7Q8qj8

Talk to you soon,
keep loving,
and of course, breathing :-)

Control

Ever since I was born I was told that there are things that I just can't do and that there are things that I must do.
At first I took it as truth, believing that since I am younger than those who told me those things, they must know more about this world than I would. The thing is that I was suffering at the time, trying to fit in the society I was living in, wanting the most simple thing one can ask for, to belong. All through those years my parents didn't know that when they kept on saying: "This is just the way it is", meaning that some things can be done and some just can't, what I understood from this is that life was meant to be suffered through and that is just the way it is. That is what brought me to the point of killing myself.

When I was 16 years old I quit school and moved into an art school, which was meant for those same kids who just didn't fit the standard school, where we learned sketching, drawing, painting, photography and such, discovering different aspects and areas one can learn from and about. I thought I finally found a place where I can be freer and without obligating tasks, like those in the standard school where you get punished for not doing.
Couple of months after I started I flew to the United States for couple of weeks to join friends I've met in the previous summer for a reunion. I talked to the art school manager and got myself 3 weeks off, I organized everything which was needed, including the money for the whole trip, which I paid for and practically did everything by myself, something which to this day my mom tells about with wonder, I don't know how I did it, I just did. It filled me with a feeling that everything is possible, and flying to the states on my own, going through New York, Boston and Boltimore, some of the time on my own and some with friends was an amazing experience, one which changed my mindset for good, yet it was only when I came back that I realized it.

When I got back, I was told that I have 5 weeks to submit some works I hadn't submitted yet, and that if I won't I won't be allowed to go on with my studies.
That was the straw which broke the camel's back. Why on earth would anybody want to live like this? First to suffer so much and to do that only in order to do what other people tell me to do with the threat that if I won't I would be expelled and pushed away? Why even bother?
I was only 16 and a half, and realizing that I would have to go on living like this for 80-90 years sounded like asking to live in hell, why on earth would I do that to myself???

That brought me to the deepest brake down and depression I had ever experienced and the only 2 things which held me back from killing myself was the dilema of how should I do it (I thought it would be a nice experience to feel like I was flying before crushing down from a cliff and didn't know if it would be better than to find a pistol to make it nice and swift. Both options were available) and a good friend, who without even knowing about my situation, held me above water phone call after phone call.

Then it suddenly hit me, a thought just came out of nowhere: "Maybe nobody knows!! Maybe, just maybe, nobody knows it is possible to live in a different way. What if I would take my life and body, both I was about to give up on anyway, and see if whatever they are saying has any truth to it?"

Looking back at it today I realize that was the day I started taking myself out of other people's control and started gaining control of my own life.
Today I can say only this, to whomever would listen and want to hear, the choice is yours, the control of your own life is yours. It is not an easy choice, for it is much more comfortable to let other people tell us what to do, yet the benefit of the feeling that I can choose how to live my own life, that I can choose to walk away when I don't want something anymore, that I can choose if I want something at all, the benefit that I can choose how to feel about myself, whether to love and trust myself or to hate my own guts, that benefit alone, worth every second of hardship.

Take the control, take it easy at first, do one step at a time maybe, yet take control of your own life, for it is your choice, and avoiding making it is the greatest regret one can ever have.

Take it, it's yours.

Not Knowing

Scary, ah?
What do we do when we don't know what to do?
What can we do?
What will happen if we won't find the right thing to do?
What then?

What if we won't make it?
What if it won't work?
What if she won't like me?
What will I do if he will leave me?

So many questions
And so few answers,
And even when we finally find an answer which works for us,
Trying it again doesn't promise us a repeating success.

So what can we do with this unknowns?
What can we do to finally find some peace in this madness?
What about getting to know it?
For real,
To sit down and get to know the unknown parts of life we already live and participate in,
How about that?

So where do we start?
What is the unknown?
What is unknown to us?
What is impossible to actually know,
Using our mind?

The mind is what we use to know and remember what worked for us,
The mind is there to create whatever we need in order to move on with what we want to create,
Yet what can it do when we move into the unknown?
The very part which the mind has no idea and capability of dealing with,
What then?

We have another part in us which we can rely on,
It is called ourselves (one of many names it has).
Ourselves, our selves, is the very being which is us, deep within,
It guides every move we make,
Protects us from the dangers we meet on the way,
Tells us where to go and who to speak to,
What to avoid and who to join,
Giving us the opportunity to let go of the need to know.

So how do we connect to it?
How do we listen to the right voice?
It is called breathing,
Yes, that very same tool you've been using your entire life.
It is when we are in the breathing
That we take a step back from the ongoing stream of thoughts
Coming to a different state of being,
State of being which is based on love
Where we connect to the higher self,
Where we feel everything
And love it,
We come to the very core of ourselves,
Where we know
In a different sense of knowledge,
Who we are
And what we came here to be and do.

Try it,
It works,
Don't take my word for it,
Don't trust me,
do it
Take a deep breath
And see for yourself.

And if you do,
And you feel fear
Or any other emotion which scares breath
Keep reminding yourself to breathe,
It helps.

May love guide you on your path,
Uriel

Growing Up

When I was 6 years old and started going to elementary school my mom took me to school each day, the thing was that the other kids laughed at me for having my mom take me to school. After a week or two, wanting to be a part of the group, to belong, I told my mom to stay at home one day, and went on my own to school. Ever since then I decided that I will do everything on my own, to show I am strong and can do things on my own, so maybe the other kids will appreciate it and want me as a part of their group. That didn't work, so thinking I am probably not strong enough, I increased the things I did on my own, starting with waking up every morning with an alarm clock, arranging my school bag on my own, making my own food for the day and even arranging everything for the school's year trip, which each year grew longer, starting with being two days (one night) away from home on my second grade. In a way, I took away my parents job and never in my life took their advice as the last word on any subject, most of the times I didn't listen at all, always counting on my own knowledge of things to create the right decision and to make the right move when it was needed. That meant, of course, that I had to improve my way of encountering and solving issues which rose from the simple fact I was alive. It wasn't east, it wasn't easy at all.

Looking back at it today I understand I grew up ahead of time, learning about things which was beyond what anyone my age needed to learn and know, yet back then, the need to belong, to feel I am a part of the group, was stronger than anything I could put my hands on. It was that need, that deep unconscious need, which made me suffer all those years. It wasn't the kids, they were a mere reflection for the need I had, and today I am thankful to them for it, after founding my way out of the suffering. Thinking about it today, I realize I had started setting myself free from that need the moment I started looking for my own destination in life, it gave me my life back, it gave me a reason to go on living, even if my need wasn't met, it gave me a reason to waking up in the morning, it gave me a reason to go on breathing, it gave me a reason to why I had to go through such suffering.

Today, after going through a very long inner search, to why am I here, to why am I even alive, to how things happen, to why people suffer, I am looking back and I am deeply thankful for it. I am thankful for the hard years of the search, I am thankful for the intense change I had to go through and I am thankful for the suffering I had to go through for giving me the strength to go through it all.
Today, looking at myself and the growth process I had gone through, I realize it is not over, it has more to offer, I have more to grow up to, and yet, after going through the first process, the early one, I am finding myself scared of what may come.

Growing up to me means to open up, to show myself to others, to show myself to the world, and that scares me, I had a terrible experience trying to fit in as a kid, and I am scared to death of going through it again. It's funny that mentally I understand that I grew up and that people actually like me, more or less, and after moving out of the Kibbutz I had never in my life encountered such a reaction from any group I had met or went into. So am I so scared? why hadn't that changed yet? I have to grow up now, I know I have to, it's not a must as in "if you won't do it something bad will happen", it's a must in the way that if I won't I will feel bad, I will feel bad with myself, it's a must in the way that this is how life works, it's my process of life, growing up.

"Never Underestimate the Value of Doing Nothing"

It was somewhere around when I was 18-19 years old when Winnie the Pooh became one of my absolute favorite masters, it started off when I was 14 when I read the book "The Tao of Pooh" which opened my eyes to another way of living by, an actual religion, the Taoism. I remember how quickly I felt at home, like I have already known this, and the book was some kind of a reminder. Ever since then it became my way, and two years later, when I almost came to the point of killing myself and decided against it, coming to the conclusion that maybe nobody knows there is a different way to live by, I took the Taoism and its idea as one of my main guides, source of information and mostly, something to lean on when I became exhausted along the way, something which happened quite a bit.

I am fortunate, I just have to say it out loud, it always seemed as if something is watching over me, helping me with the choices I had made, making sure I am safe and sound. It was also when I was 14 years when I met one of my absolute best friends ever, it was that same friend who held me above water for those two weeks when I was 16, not knowing what he was actually doing until recently. It was this friend who became quite quickly one of my guides in life, and not long after we met, about a year or so, I started calling him Pooh. I can't recall why, I think it had something to do with him being a bit chubby back then, yet when I got to know him deeper with the years, I found out the name I gave him was a perfect fit, he was simply the human Pooh (I was Tiger).

After I joined the army, where I was again lucky, having to do only week there-week home, we decided to go on a journey into the wild, well, at least in our standers :-) We took two big backpacks, filled them with food cans, sleeping bags and some clothes and went off into the hills next to my Kibbutz in the middle of the night. Yes, we actually started the journey somewhere after midnight, god knows why. It was a beautiful journey and it consisted basically with waking up slowly in the morning, making fire for the morning coffee and breakfast, then going back to laying down for a while, digesting the food (We kept saying "Life's hard" :-)) Then, in the late morning hours, we started moving, never really knowing where to, having an idea at best. We would walk or hitchhike into the unknown, arriving to where ever the world took us, and doing it all over again the next day. The journey lasted 4 days and it took us toward the Mediterranean sea, where we spent couple of nights, one night at one of the north beaches (Betzet Beach) and then another on the road which was just under the border road between Israel and Lebanon.

I remember the ride back home, which we actually took with a bus, thinking to myself how simple the trip was and how amazing it is to connect to the flow of life, having such a beautiful easy going rhythm to it, how simple life can actually be. I knew it would take some time to fit it into my daily life, yet the will to make it a way to live by, at least for me, grew stronger in me, and I felt its roots grow deeper into my soul and core.

Ever since then I started practicing the saying "Never underestimate the value of doing nothing" (I found out lately that it actually starts with a "Don't", yet I grew to take away words which direct me to "Do" or "Don't", for who knows what will be the right thing for me to do. It also became my way of saying it, so... it doesn't really matter) I found out that in some points in life there is just nothing for me to do, and although it is always quite the tricky part for me, for I love doing things and knowing what to do, I remind myself to breathe, and wen it gets really hard, I remind myself that doing nothing is also a great did.

Love to you all,
Uriel

Pain

Ever since I can remember myself, I was brought up and raised to fight pain with whatever it may be needed to reduce it if not to make it go away. After all, who wants to be in pain? It's not very comfortable, is it? So as a kid and a young teenager I swallowed many pills, it came to a point a kid I was playing with at his house said to me: "You're taking pills like peanuts!" That woke me up.

It wasn't easy letting go of those pills, it's not that I was suffering from some terrible disease, I just didn't like my headaches, or any other of those physical aches which come once in a while. I did notice one thing after a while, and that is that whether I took a pill to make that pain go away or not, two things consistently happened. The first thing I noticed was that the pain eventually went away by itself and the other that the pain came back in some point, yet not necessarily in that same place.
The other thing I noticed after a while was that my ability to stand the pain became greater and greater and after a while my need for doctors came to almost a none. Pain just seemed to keep its distance from me, understanding probably that it doesn't impress me any longer, so why bother showing up. It was like it understood I didn't need it any longer so it just didn't show up, or at least reduced dramatically its visits to my life. I also noticed the pain changed its form, from the physical pain, to emotional pain, to mental pain, it was like it changed its battle field.

The thing is that after a while that I kept accepting it as it is and not try to push it away, it came, yet only as a guide and not as a nuisance. It was my perspective which took its troubling issues a lot of people see it by to a learning experience every time it dropped by for a visit.

When I woke up this morning I immediately noticed a very strong pain in my right upper side of my back, underneath my right shoulder blade, which took away the easiness I was moving by. It didn't go away, actually I am having it right now while writing these words, so all day I was paying a lot of attention to it and to what it may symbols. I still don't have the perfect answer for its visit, I haven't learned yet what it came to show me, I've learned throughout the years that when I do, it simply fades away, for it has no more to show me and teach. So right now I keep paying attention and being aware, I know I am going through a very major change in my life and that pain is a major participant in the process of change, yet that is a different story for a different time.

Alright, I guess this is enough for one time, hope you are all well and if not, I really recommend paying attention to it :-)

Fears

For quite some time now I notice many people consider Fear as an enemy we should fight, even now, a good friend of mine, who is living a life which to be adored and admired I must say, shared on Facebook that fear no longer serves her, even though going through her fears taught her a lot about herself and brought her to a life, which like I said, I admire and take my hat off for.

When I was young, I was very much afraid of many things, scared of what might happen each and every day for I never felt safe growing up in the Kibbutz I was living in, so when I first started practicing change, I didn't realize that is what I was doing, I was simply reacting to a fear I suddenly had, and immediately started working on preparing myself for the option of my fear actually becoming a reality. Ever since then I paid a lot of attention on finding where I felt fear, or any other uncomfortable feeling, and started working on improving my self esteem and the way I felt about myself. That alone improved my life, for time after time, I noticed where I didn't feel good, and worked on feeling better. That is why I consider Fear as one of, if not the best, my best friends and guides. It always showed me where I feel bad, so I found it way easier on what I should pay attention and send my energy on improving. Paying attention has its costs, yes, yet what I received in return was always my best Return On Investment.

I would like to share with you something I wrote some time ago in the beginning of this year, and I think that is the best ROI I ever had, especially when it comes to the area of fears.
I just had it translated from Hebrew, so I hope you will forgive any mistakes you might find.
Hope you like it!

The Adoption of Fear

When I first started exploring Fear at the age of 12,

I didn't know it at the time,

That I was actually adopting it into my heart.

Today,

After 21 years of research and examination,

I finally realize,

That by adopting Fear

I actually developed courage.

Fear wasn't an easy kid to be adopted,

Lots of bureaucracy and paper work,

Less knowledge about how to raise him and such,

Only that the will to know him,

To understand him,

To be there, for him as well,

The will which came from an unconscious understanding at the time,

Was bigger than me,

And it took me on the path,

Which may wasn't easy

Yet after some time,

I began seeing fruits I didn't know,

I began seeing the fruits which grew from my love

To what many people see as the complete opposite,

The love to Fear.

Whoever know my parents,

Probably knows how many kids they had adopted throughout the years,

To how many kids,

Young as adults,

They gave a home,

I probably learned that from them.

Along the years I was told by many how brave I am,

And I never really understood what they are talking about,

For I did what I did

Because I couldn't live in fear,

I just couldn't.

I didn't understand why anyone would want to live in such an awful feeling,

Such a disturbing feeling,

Which annoys,

Which holds us back from living in love.

So I adopted Fear to myself,

The same part which I couldn't push away and prevent,

I adopted him to my heart,

For I saw no one else doing it,

And in some deep place,

I felt sort of pity,

Of compassion,

To that same emotion which may be disturbing,

Only he,

Like anyone of us,

Is also asking to find himself a home.

Today,

Like I said,

Finally,

I understand that he will be a part of my life,

And that I shouldn't push him away,

And hope he will disappear.

Today I understand,

That all that I have to do,

Is to love Fear

And to adopt him into my heart.

I recommend very much to do so,

For even if he is quite the naughty kid,

Which sometimes ask for attention we have none in spare,

He is a smart kid,

A wise one,

And on top of all,

He is one of the best guides I could have ever asked for,

To a life filled with love.

Doing what I want

For years I had been told that I can't just go around doing what I want, that I have other people to consider and to think about, that there are things which need to be done and most of all, that doing what I want is childish, that grownups take responsibility.

Mmm.... Interesting, if grownups take responsibility, then why is the world in such a mess? Most grownups I hear only blame the other side for their problems... Anyhow, I'm not here to write about others, I am here to write and share about myself.

So this is how I grew up up to the young age of 16 years old, or maybe it's not that young, doesn't matter really, I just remember that day after those two long weeks of despair when I was contemplating how to kill myself, that it suddenly struck me as a lightning: "Maybe nobody knows!!!" Maybe they don't know it is possible to live in a different way and that is why they keep telling me that it is impossible to do what I want in this world, living as I wish to live while living this life. It was at that moment when I decided wholeheartedly: "I will do only as I feel like and let's see what happens!!" After all, I was about to kill myself, so it didn't matter to me anymore whether I will live or die, worst can happen, I got to live a little while longer and got to see life in a different way than what I always heard it is before I will die. That decision changed my life forever and I never looked back. For me it was either to find it or to die.

It was 18 years ago this coming January, 18 years, and I am still alive :-) Go figure, ah? I am actually reaching adulthood in the "Doing what I feel like" life. I learned so much since then, I laughed many times before that from the moment I left school I started to learn and study. I have learned SO much ever since that day, about what I truly feel like and what it means (What I feel is right for me to do at any given moment and situation, that is instead of what I think is right for me), about what I truly want and aim to achieve in this life. I've learned how to achieve and accomplish my desires and dreams with the most subtle amount of energy used by me, allowing me to save my energy for when I really needed it. I've learned how to change the most unchangeable things (or so it always seems) and what I actually need to do in order to change them. I've learned SO MUCH!!!! And that was from simple observation on life and on the connection to myself.

So looking back today, to that hard painful day, to the day I made a decision which was leaned on the idea that I have no other way, I look back with a smile, a winning smile, because I did exactly how I felt it is right for me to live, each and every time, and I lived to tell the story.

May yourself guide your way,
Uriel

Family

What a topic... It always has been such an issue for me, yet today, after working on it for years, exploring what it means for me, participating in many self help workshops with it being my main issue, I've come to the point where I learned to love them.
It wasn't easy, I can tell you that, having so many complains against them, about how they raised me, what kind of beliefs they inserted in me and much more,  yet after all these years, I've come to point where I can see them from a different perspective, a different perspective from the teenager I once was, the angry teenager, the rebellious teenager, I've come to the point where I can see them from their perspective. And what a joy that is...

Today I am putting a lot of energy into improving our relationship, from the relationship with my parents to the relationship with each one of my brothers and sister. It's still a working process, changing a relationship which once was based on fear and anger to a one which is based on love and respect takes its time, yet already after a month and a half or so, the fruits begin to show, and what delicious fruits they are :-)

Yesterday my uncle, aunt and most of their family came for a short visit. I haven't seen them for couple of years (two of my cousins I haven't seen for way longer) and it was great being with them, talking to them face to face and hearing from them about their lives. Yet what took my attention at some point was what an amazing kind of family I have, such a different, unique, special and my kind of family I have. I had always been considered by many who know me as different, I just never knew what it means to be "normal", and suddenly, after realising what kind of family I come from, it made perfect sense. Of course I'm not normal, nobody in my family is!! And what a wondrous thing that is! Such uniqueness, such specialty, such.... Love for life!!!
I really do love my family these days, and it is such a huge change for me, realising where I come from and loving my sources.

If anybody ever asked me how could they change their lives for good, that would be one of my main and first things I would put my finger on, changing the relationship with the family. It is the source, where we come from, and who would probably stay in our lives for as long as we live. It is not a must of course, I know now I was blessed with a very loving family which I just had trouble accepting, yet if it's possible, if they are still there and in any way possible to reach, I would say simply this: loving ourselves is also loving the very source which we came from.

Today, after so many years of anger and hate, I, truly, love my family.

Love to you all
And may peace guide your way.
Uriel

Challenges 2

It amazes me each and every time, how challenging it is to create a change. I mean, at the end of it, it might look easy, you know, when we finally make the step and wonder what took us so long, yet I found the change starts way earlier, when we first thought of it. There is a saying: "Think on the end before you begin", I found it very much true, for the simple reason that before we thought of the change, why would we ever start moving toward it?

Ever since I was 12 years old, when I first started becoming aware of the process of change by creating conscious changes, I paid a lot of attention to it, for the simple reason I was scared of it, and throughout the years I looked into the process of change trying to recognize again and again what actually starts the whole process, in other words, I looked to find what do I need to do in order to create the desired change. Eventually, after 16 years of research, I found it, yet it took me 6 more years to actually acknowledge it and to start using it on daily basis. I guess I am kind of a perfectionist, always was, so it took me some time to admit I actually found something that works.

So why is it still a challenge? The challenge for me today is not to create the change, the challenge for me these days is to be patient while it's in the process. Today, after I have done my research, I know, without a single doubt, that if I truly want something, it is purely a matter of time until I reach it. The challenge is going through it again and again, knowing of all the emotions I will have to go through, which means a lot of energy I will have to let go of and to integrate the new one - some process of its own, knowing it will be hard for me to explain it to whoever is around me who doesn't understand how it works for me (I say here "for me", yet I truly believe, from years of observation, that people do go through a similar process, I believe I narrow it down to the very basic. Did I really? Only time will tell, I'm sure someone will come along later on in the future and develop it even more) yet the biggest challenge for me is being patient. I always had an issue with that, for I like to learn and to put things into test, I love moving forward and I have real issues with people who hold me back. When I was going to the field trips from school, I was almost always next to the guide who was leading the group, and very often was pulled back by my t-shirt neckline by those very guides, when they tried to slow me down. For me, to slow down, is the challenge.

So thank God there are still challenges, for I would be bored if there would not be any, what I am looking into now, is how to truly enjoy them when they are there, not to change them by changing my perspective, but to truly enjoy them as they are.

All the best to you all,

may your path be of love,

Uriel

Challenges

Hey,

Well, had another lecture today and it went great, lots of participation, great practice for me and except that, the sun was shining, so I should be feeling fine, right? I just wonder, as always, why do I not? I guess I can answer that, mentally, yet it always dazzles me when it comes... I guess I should explain a bit, ah? At least to myself...

It started off as a great day, the sunrise was beautiful, the walk in the fresh air, the silence which me and my dad walked today in, it felt good, and yes, I was excited of course, knowing that in few hours I would be standing in front of a group I met only one from and that was for only two minutes yesterday. So I was excited standing in front of the unknown, I knew what I was about to talk about, being after the first lecture at the beginning of this week, yet meeting a group of people I absolutely don't know was kind of a challenge for me, even though I did it before in Berlin, something in meeting Israelis challenges me, I guess it got something to do with growing up here, and not in the best of atmospheres. Yet I felt much better than I would have thought I would, and that was a good sign for me, a good sign that something is changing.

Then the day went on, I had lunch with my parents, in a very good vibe I might just add (this is so not obvious!!) and then after relaxing for a bit, went to take a midday nap, which I needed badly.
It was when I woke up that immediately I was in a bad mood, I guess it has something to do with the loud music my brother decided to play (he moved near by couple of weeks ago) in the middle of the afternoon, I was furious and it came in a second. Ever since then I just couldn't change it, is it because of that? Or is it just another part of the changing process I am going through? I noticed along the years that when I'm going through a changing process, I tend to go through a large variety of emotions, from Happiness and Fear all the way to Joy, Hatred, Love and Bliss. They just come and go, changing themselves as the time goes by. At the end of it the circle just stops for a while, and then a change in my reality occurs and something I wanted and decided to achieve suddenly just shows up in my life. I guess then I shouldn't be complaining, yet when I think about it now, it is just letting some steam off my chest. Life is a challenge sometimes, and I thank God for that, for it would be so boring if there won't be any challenge along the way. I already feel better, so thank you for being here and reading :-)

Changing is quite the challenge as it is, and if it wouldn't also poses tremendous amount of joy and presents, I guess I would had still hate it as I did when I was young.

Well, my chest if much better now, so I will be going to enjoy my evening. Thank you again for being here, it means a lot to me. You are most welcome to write and respond, would love to hear what's on your mind as well.

All the best,
Love
Uriel

Keeping up....

Woke up this morning for my second morning walk in a row, a reason for celebration for me :-) Doing things regularly, even twice in a row, is quite the challenge for me with the energy of change I live by since I was born.

I find it amazing today looking at the drastic change I managed to go through in my perspective toward the process of change, I used to be so afraid of it, literally choking on every step of the way, only to come to a point I wish for it, and if I don't have it, I create it. So now I am finding myself with a new challenge and that is how to live with my new grown passion when what I want now is to find and be in some kind of a routine.... challenges challenges :-) Thank god I learned to love those as well along the way.

I find it also very energizing to wake up early every morning for the walk, before I started I thought to myself: "What would I do with all those hours?" Now I keep finding what to do, it just comes. Today I had a wonderful conversation with my mom, with my father sitting with us listening. It was more her talking and sharing, and yes, sometimes she did mention an occasion I already heard about before, yet I found it so nice connecting to her again, hearing things I never heard before, about her past, emotions and more. I never had this kind of relationship with her, and I find it so relaxing and comforting to bond with her after so many years.

Later on they had to go on with their day and I found myself sitting down at the balcony. I was thinking about publishing my book as an Ebook so after looking up at other descriptions, getting an idea of how it should look like, I started writing my own. I never realized until that moment what I actually managed to do along the years. It was when I looked up for the book's most fitting category that I came across the sub-category of "Depression". It is just about 18 years ago (next month) that I went through the hardest depression I had ever come across, a depression which almost brought me to the point of committing suicide. I thank god, and one of my best friends ever, for being there, holding me above water, although I suspect my friend didn't know anything about it, I barely ever shared my feelings with people, especially the closest ones. It was then that I realized who my book is intended for and those are the ones who feel they had lost their way and path. It is such a horrible feeling, feeling lost and helpless, that I just wish people will remember that there is ALWAYS a way.

After I finished writing, I leaned back on the chair and put some music on, letting the insight sink in. It was then I realized what I actually did, coming from a point of hating the world so much, of fearing it, of being so angry with it, with the people who hurt me so much, all the way to the point I thank those kids who made my life a living hell, of loving the pain I had, and still have, to go through and to one of my top  ever favorite achievements - to the point I came to love the unknown.

Oh how I wish I could share this knowledge around the world, how I wish I would be able to share my story, so every man, woman and child would know that.... It is O.K. We can all just breathe.

Thank you for being here and reading this, would love to hear from you, so please leave a comment :-)

All the best, and please, keep on dreaming!

Love

Uriel

Changing habits

Woke up this morning to join my father on his daily walk, it's amazing, he's closing on 74 and for the past 10-15 (I think) he's been doing it every single day. When I woke up yesterday morning, I realized it is about time to take my changing process to another level, the phisical realm.
I had been practicing change for the past 22 years, changing thoughts and ideas, beliefs and thoughts patterns which held me back and yes, it did lead me to dramatical changes in my life, phisical ones as well, yet it always felt as it is not quite connected to the reality which I live in. That is why I decided to bring my changing experience to my body, to my phisical health, to the holding base of everything we live by while living this life, to earth.

So I woke up this morning and walked along with him, now I feel my muscles hurt (LOL!!!) and I love it, that is such a good sign that my body needed it, that the changing process had already began. I find it funny that so many people want to change something in their lives, yet the moment a little pain comes along, the moment a little hardenship drops by for a surprise visit, they fly right back to the comfort and the known, after all, isn't that a normal part of change? Aren't we tired after a good workout at the gym? Wasn't it also hard? Of course it was and of course the muscles ache, so where's the difference?
Well, critisism is not my cup of tea, just had to take it out of the system... (I guess)

Now I'm looking forward to the rest of the process, it will take time, as usual, and commitment, another usual, and it would be fantastic to see and observe the changes it will bring along with it :-)

All the best to you all,
Keep changing and keep loving!!
Uriel

A new beginning

When I was recommended to start writing a blog by a good friend of mine, he said: "write something every day, no matter what it would be about".
Of course I knew very well what it would be about, the challenge for me is to do it every day. Change had always been a big part of my life and I found it hard along the way not to change, or should I say to stay in one place for a bit. There just always seem to be something that was boring, not enough and not satisfying. So as usual, and it didn't surprise me now to realise, I "forgot" to write something yesterday...

Well, there is another reason (There always is ;-)), last night I gave a new lecture and throughout the day I couldn't think of anything else, I mean NOTHING ELSE.
I was petrified and even my body reacted to it, creating a new source of pain in the middle of my spine. The "normal" headache came later :-)
Yet, as I found it along the years, the fear which causes all these issues is just that, fear. The lecture came out wonderful, I knew what to say and how to show it, the place was a Full House, leaving me barely 2sqm to stand on and many people came to me at the end to ask more questions and to share their thoughts and to thank me, what a wonderful feeling!!!!

Today I woke up feeling a bit sick, not something I trouble myself too much about, for I grew to realize that feeling a bit sick (or sometimes more) can very well be a part of the process of change which we go through along the years.

I want to finish today's sharing with something I wrote the night before last, just as I was about to go to sleep, wondering if I would be able with the excitment before my lecture, it just came to me, as it usually does. So here it is, have a great day or night and please, keep on dreaming!!

Do you believe in fairytales?

Do you remember the time when you saw or read a fairytail and dreamed it was possible?
Do you remember the time when one of those magic fairytails made you dream and wonder? Do you remember the feeling it left you with? Like anything is possible, right? So what happened? Why did you stop believing?
Now, this is no accusation, it happened to all of us, but why is that? What made us all forget about our dreams?

Well... Do you remember that saying: "You can't go around doing everything that you want"? Or is it just me hearing it over and over again?
For some unknown reason, year after year, decade after decade, generation after generation, we were brought up to believe that some things are just impossible, and for some mysterious reason, we are made to keep believing it althought we have all the proofs that we will ever need, seeing people all throughtout the history, doing the impossible even though so much stood in their way, we still tend to look at why is it impossible other than why it is possible as day light.

So why is that? Why do we keep holding back on our dearest of desires? Why do we keep dreaming when all we need is to wake up and understand that everything is possible? Even today's science proves it today, our lives are filled with infinite possiblities, we can, literally, be, do and have anything that we so wishfully desire and dream about.

So what is it? What is your grandest wish and desire? What do you dream about in the depth of your thoughts and being?
Don't be afraid of it, it is you, your deepest self. Breathe in and out and let yourself be, let your dreams come true.
What better way is there than to be truly happy while living this life?

Moving onward....

Waking up this morning, I very soon realized that I am shaking, physically!
Now, it is winter, yet it is an Israeli winter, it's not that cold ;-) I am in good health, thank god, so what is going on? Well, I guess it has something to do with the excitement I experience at the moment because of my lecture tomorrow... Something just feels different this time...
Will it be? Will it really be different? Who knows, it might be just as the ones in the past were, so why am I feeling like this?

The day went on, I sat down to eat with my parents, then went to take care of last things, buying myself a whiteboard eraser, and after sitting down for a coffee with a good friend, drove back home.
As I was about to enter my Kibbutz I looked across the road at the hills which I went for many walks in the past on, and immediately felt like going there again. I haven't been there for ages,  and felt a longing to go and walk through the woods I walked so many time through, paths and wild boars tracks which I walked and traveled through for so many years back then when I was a teenager.
Those hills were my escape root, an escape root to heaven, where there are no people to tell me what to do and how to act, where the trees give me peace and clean air to breathe, where so many insights came to me, back then when I tried to make sense of this thing called life.... I just had to go and pay a visit.

So after dropping my father back in the house and taking an apple and a bottle of water for the road, I took my boots and went to my little piece of paradise. I really felt like going to one of the fields in the middle of the hills, it is one of the largest ones there, and thinking back to 18 years ago, I remembered how I healed my fear of bees at that same field, walking into it on spring time, when it was filled with flowers and endless amount of bees flew around. an adopted brother of mine who was with me said: "Let's go in!" and without him knowing about my fear, I decided not to say a word and to just walk into the middle of it. After walking around 50-100 meters, we just lay down on the ground and looked up to the head of the flowers. It was then that it hit me, they are absolutely not interested in me, so why fear them? It is an insight I will probably remember forever :-)

Standing there, in the middle of that same field, 18 years after, felt like a life time away, and looking on the new plants growing, thinking about it right now, feels like a new growth is about to occur, in me.

So I am moving onward, into a new path, maybe even a new kind of life, I am moving onward from the path I used to walk for such a long time, the path of learning about fear, I am moving onward to the path of learning about love.

May love be with you,
Uriel