זכיתי לאהוב

אתמול באמצע הלילה דיברתי עם חברה טובה חדשה והיא שאלה אותי: "למה אתה לא כותב בעברית?"

התשובה היחידה שיצאה לי היתה האוטומטית: "אני פשוט פונה לקהל יותר גדול", רק שזה בהחלט גרם לי לחשוב....

ככה יצא שהיום, כשקמתי להליכת הבוקר שלי, בשעה מאוחרת אני חייב להוסיף (אמרתי כבר שהייתי ער באמצע הלילה?), חשבתי לעצמי למה אני בעצם לא פונה לקהל אליו אני מרגיש הכי שייך, לאנשים איתם גדלתי, למדינה אותה, בסופו של דבר, אני רואה כבית, אז למה?

לא הגעתי לתשובה ברורה בזמן ההליכה, רק שעכשיו, כשאני שואל את עצמי שוב, התשובה הראשונה היא: כי כואב לי.

לא נהניתי לגדול פה, לא בקיבוץ, ולא בישראל בכלל, והסיבה הראשונה היא הלחץ האינסופי שיש פה, הכסאח הישאלי, הכאב הזה שאנחנו גדלים על לשמר אותו במקום לרפאו, המריבות האינסופיות בין העדות, רק בגלל שאנשים שונים אחד מהשני.... ועוד כל כך הרבה סיבות נוספות, פשוט לא נהניתי.

הרגשתי תמיד שונה פה בישראל, אני תמיד אהבתי לזוז לאט, לעשות דברים לשם העשייה שבהם, ולא כדי להספיק לעשות איתם משהו והלחץ הישראלי ממש הפריע לי לנשום, זו גם אחת הסיבות למה שאני עושה ככלל, לעזור לאנשים לנשום ולהירגע, כך שאני אוכל לחיות פה יותר בנוחות. לאורך השנים גיליתי שאני ממש אוהב את המדינה הזו, לא את הגבולות, אלא את האווירה החיה שפה, האנרגיה המדהימה שיש באנשים פה, את חווית החברות והמשפחה כשמצאתי את עצמי צריך עזרה, יש פה משהו פשוט אחר מכל מקום בו הייתי וחייתי, ועשיתי את זה פה ושם :-)

אז למה בעצם לא לכתוב בעברית? אם אני כל כך אוהב את המקום, למרות הכאב איתו גדלתי, למרות הלחץ הקבוע הזה שיש פה שבעצם מטריף אותי, למה לא לכתוב לקהל, לאנשים שחיים פה בשפה שתהיה להם הכי נוחה לקריאה והבנה?

שאלה מעולה, ואני מודה לאותה אישה מדהימה על השאלה, כי היום, כשהלכתי את הליכת הבוקר שלי, עברתי ליד כמה מכוניות שמשום מה חנו ליד גדר המערכת, ובאחת מהן, ישבה אישה והשגיחה על בנה, ומהרדיו בקע שיר שאני אישית מאוד אוהב: "זכיתי לאהוב" של עיברי לידר, וזה גרם לי להרהר.

כי כן, אני באמת זכיתי לאהוב, זכיתי על ידי זה שנולדתי, שכן נולדתי למשפחה שאם אפשר להגיד עליה משהו אחד בפה מלא ובלב שלם, הוא שהאהבה קיימת בה ובשפע, פשוט נולדתי לזה ולזה הורגלתי, לאהוב.

דבר נוסף היה שעם האהבה הזו גם חוויתי כאב גדול בזמן שגדלתי, כאב שכמעט והביא אותי לסיים את חיי בגיל יחסית מוקדם, וזו היתה אותה אהבה, אותה אהבה עלייה גדלתי שהשאירה אותי כאן חיי, האהבה לבני האנוש, לאותם אלו שחיים מסביבי וכן היו רוצים לאהוב. זו היתה אותה אהבה שעזרה לי להישאר ולחפש דרך אחרת לחיות בה, זו היתה אותה אהבה שעזרה לי לאורך כל החיפוש, שהדריכה, שכיוונה, שהגנה ושמרה, זו היתה אותה אהבה שעשתה כל כך הרבה, ועדיין שם, מדריכה אותי בדרכי ושומרת על נפשי.

אז זה למה אני כותב עכשיו בעברית, זוהי הסיבה ללמה החלטתי הבוקר כן לכתוב בעברית, לאותם אנשים החיים במדינה מהיפות והחיות שהכרתי, כי זכיתי לאהוב, וכל רצוני כעט הוא לחלוק את אותה אהבה עם האנשים שהמשפחה שלי, הקטנה והגדולה, חיים בה.

אוהב אתכם, וכל כך מקווה שתחוו את אותה אהבה.

היא אפשרית.

Feelings

Have you ever noticed how some feelings feel so good and yet some feel so bad? Don't you find that weird? I do.

I have always been very emotional, going from one to the next, some feel amazing and some feel terrible, and for years I have tried to understand why is that, why do we see, and because of that feel, some of them as good ones and some of them as bad ones.

Just before writing here I recorded another video for YouTube, which I am uploading as we speak, and just after, I felt like listening to "Breathe me" by Sia, which I find an absolute best song for feeling pain and sadness. So why would I want to feel that you might ask, well, that's exactly it, to FEEL!!!

I love feeling!! It is something which is way beyond me and unstoppable anyway, so why even bother trying to push it away from me or back down to my subconscious? Why try blocking something which is impossible to block and even if we managed to block it once or twice, eventually it will take us over and wash us with infinite amount of energy, so why even bother with trying blocking it in the first place?

As I was just listening to "Breathe me" I went straight away to my feeling zone, my place of safety, where I feel myself, where I allow myself to be, just be, and to feel that incredible emotion which rises from just listening to a beautiful song. Then it just came to me- there is absolutely NO wrong in feeling pain, sadness, anger, frustration, confusion and on top of all - Fear. I felt so alive from just listening to a song, I cried my eyes out and felt so good doing it I started laughing and enjoying it. I suddenly remembered how my parents always asked me: "What's wrong?" when I was crying, as if something was wrong in the first place, who said there's anything wrong? It's an emotion, something we feel, what can be wrong about that???

I love feeling, I love feeling life, feeling alive, and here's the thing, isn't that what everybody want? To feel and be alive? Just feel it, you are, just now, alive.

Regret

Last night, just after the new year started, while dancing to myself, enjoying the music, a woman crossed my path, hugging a friend of hers on her way out, or so it seemed at the time. She was facing away from me, hugging her friend, so I couldn't really see her, only her hair was visible to me, yet for some reason I felt something, something inside of me said: "Pay attention!!"

After they finished their hug, she went past me, and I got to see another glimpse of her, yet could not really understand yet what was it that got my attention. Then she turned around and I was floored.

As I came into the bar, about an hour or so before, I immediately took a sit at the bar and ordered myself a beer from the tap (Half a liter of course) so I can welcome the new year with a nice cold glass of beer in my hand.
As I was waiting, before I even got to talk to the bartender, I looked to my left, and there, behind all the people who stood and danced along the way, I got a glimpse of a beautiful woman in a white dress and she just got my attention, I don't know if it's the dress, I love a woman in a dress, or her long dark hair, I love that as well, or simply her beauty, or maybe all together, yet looking at her from a far, I was captivated for a few seconds, that is until my view was blocked by all the dancers which were going at it full on just before the end of last year.

The evening went on, I was on my own, celebrating my connection to myself, the steps I took in the past year and especially in the past month, yet most of all, I made a huge step yesterday evening, I published a video where I present myself as the writer of the sticker: "It's O.K. You can breathe. The change happens by itself." on a website where I ask people to help me fund more of them and to help me spread my message. For me it is a huge step because I was always afraid of people, which was one of the reasons I never wrote my name on the sticker, and here I am saying: "It's me".

So I was enjoying myself, the beer, the music and the dancing, when suddenly, a beautiful woman in a white dress crossed my path. As I turned around to look at her go and realized it was the same woman from before, I immediately understood I just have to go and talk to her, even if just to know her name. You see, I had for years lived by signs, and learned with the years that it is best to go with them rather than to hold back, there is something so special about jumping into the river of life and to let them take me with the flow, without knowing where it may lead, that is actually the greatest fun when you get used to it. All this went within a flash through my head, remembering the regret I always felt when I didn't go and talk to a beautiful woman who attracted my attention, and I found myself going, without thinking, and meeting up close, a woman who captivated my attention, thoughts and my whole being, all the way to now, when I am writing these words.

I don't know what will happen next, that's life's job, I only know one thing, and that is that last night I went to sleep, and this morning I woke up, without the slightest amount of the feeling called: Regret.

What if?

"What if it will all work out? What if it will actually work out just the way I planned and worked so hard for? What then?"

Those were the questions which I woke up with....
I'm finding myself these last couple of days acknowledging and realizing what I managed to do these past few years, and of course what was before and led me to where I am today, and something in me starts to wonder: "Is it really going to work out as I saw it in my mind's eye?"

When I was young I didn't know how to control my emotions, how to deal with them, and my emotions were always so intense, sometimes down frightening for some people around me, and all I wanted was to find a way to fit in, to be a part of the group, of the whole, to just feel as if I belong. Being so emotionally intensed always seem to push people away, to scare them off, to keep me isolated, and that scared me to death.

So when I decided to change it, I did the first thing which came to my mind, I started practicing being alone, preparing myself for the option that I will in fact be alone. Yet I did it with wonder, I did it with the desire to learn, to know more, I was curious!! Today, after doing it over and over, I realize that my perspective alone, the way I looked at it and observed it was the exact change I was looking for, the change of the perspective, the point of view I was looking through, changed my life, not the specific change I was looking into.

And so it went on and on, one after the other, I took something I felt I want to change and became curious about it: "What if I do it this way?" and similar questions changed my life forever and made my life a walking bliss. It's not that I don't feel pain and anger anymore, neither fear and confussion or frustration, it is only that I know that it is my perspective which changes the way I feel about them, I can fear them, being scared of the unknown and what they will do to me, and I can look at them with facination and wonder, being curious what made them come up in the first place? And, when I really don't know how to deal and contain them, I can always just breathe, relax my mind, my greatest muscle, and enjoy the breeze or whatever is happening around me. This understanding, this insight, changed my life forever.

So what if? What if people would really want to learn and know this? What if it will all work out?
I am SO curious to see how will it all unfold, I can't say patience had ever been my greatest value ;-)

Transformation

I was almost always afraid being a kid, there was always a kid who felt like giving all his pain to me in one form or another, so when the question "What if there would be no more sugar?" came to my mind, I immediately started working on releiving that stress, not realizing of course what I was doing at the time.

Two weeks ago it suddenly dawned at me that what I am going through at the moment is a transformation from the consciousness of fear to the consciousness of love, moving from the lack to the existence, from the agony to the compassion, from the pain to the joy. I suddenly realized that it is happening and that I have nothing to do about it except choosing whether I would like to fear it or to love it.

I guess that explains some of the stress I was living in, feeling that the window to learn about fear is closing and that in some point it will all be over. I guess that in order to explain what I just wrote I should also say that my dream, or should I say what I always felt is my calling, is to teach others how to calm themselves down and to be more relaxed and in tune with the rhythm of life. In other words, how to move from the consciousness of fear to the one of love, and to do that with as less stress as possible, since it is actually happening by itself, something I understood along the way.

This last weekend had been one of the most transformative weekends I had gone through for quite some time.
It started with a friend, a good friend, who I never really got to meet until this last Thursday, since she lives in Rome and we met on the net through another friend. She came for just couple of days to Israel, feeling she just had to be here for Christmas, and she's Jewish ;-) We actually met on the very beach it is believed Jesus had shared 2 loafs of bread and 5 fish (I think those are the numbers) to 5000 people, kind of an amazing place to meet someone for the very first time. We realized straight on that we have quite the connection on our current journey on this planet. We had a great day together with some friends of hers and the feeling was great!!

From there I went to visit a very good friend of mine (and his family) for the night and it was so good to see them all. We also started talking about pushing what I do forward and how to help it grow. What I realized with him was what I am actually doing which is changing the way we experience change, an understanding which I was waiting for for a very long time, one which started the transformation I am now experiencing.

The next morning he took me to a village near by where I participated in a healthy food and life style workshop. It was there that already on the first day, at Friday evening, while going through a Tibetian Bowls breathing session, that same realization sank deeper and I started seeing in my mind's eye how to manifest it and with whom. As soon as I came out of the session I started working on it, since two of girls I saw in my mind's eye were there already.

It went on and on like this ever since, things just happen with tremendous velocity and at ease I am familiar with, yet on at this capacity. Things, literally, transform from thoughts to reality with the blink of an eye. Wow!

I will go on now with my day, having so much to do suddenly, I just wanted to send you some love and effortlessnes for the simple reason that is how I see life.

Lots of love and a big hug
Uriel

Excited!!

Do you know this feeling when you wanted something for SO long and suddenly it just starts to manifest right in front of your eyes? Do you know what I'm talking about? I am going through this exact feeling as I am writing these words, I am just SO excited!!! :-)

When I was a kid, I always had this dream, I dreamed that the world I am living in is a nice place to live in, a beautiful place, where people help each other when one needs it, where people smile to one another and share their love, fears and other deep emotions out of the wish to bond, to come closer, to see that we are not alone, that we are all the same, going through the same phases in life and that with a little help from a friend or a new friend (stranger) we can go through anything, I dreamed of Heaven.

Many of you who are reading this post might think: "What is wrong with this guy? Hasn't he seen the latest news?"

Well, no, I don't watch the news for the simple reason there is nothing new in their programs, what their program is aimed for is spreading fear, reminding people why they should listen to what their governments tell them to do and that is the complete opposite of what I am doing, which is spreading love. I'm not here to go against them, they have their agenda, I have mine, yet as I am writing these words I realize that it is my choice where and how to live, in Paradise (Heaven) where I am in love with life and what surrounds me, attracting love to my life, from loving intimate relationships to relationships with friends which are based on love and cooperation, attracting whatever I may need to live with a smile, from jobs to places to live in, whatever I may need so I can focus all my attention on what I love most to do and that is exactly what I am doing right now - spreading the idea of self love. Or... I can live in fear and keep attracting everything I fear of.... Which choice would you make? ;-)

This is the only choice I ever found we actually have in our hands, the perspective which we live our lives in, how we look at our lives actually changes EVERYTHING!!!! :-)

So what would it be? Love or Fear?

By the way, I am so thrilled to tell you that I started a new YouTube channel which is called... (One guess ;-)) where I am sharing my experience about how to change our lives, feel free to drop by, here's a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwagS7Q8qj8

Talk to you soon,
keep loving,
and of course, breathing :-)

Control

Ever since I was born I was told that there are things that I just can't do and that there are things that I must do.
At first I took it as truth, believing that since I am younger than those who told me those things, they must know more about this world than I would. The thing is that I was suffering at the time, trying to fit in the society I was living in, wanting the most simple thing one can ask for, to belong. All through those years my parents didn't know that when they kept on saying: "This is just the way it is", meaning that some things can be done and some just can't, what I understood from this is that life was meant to be suffered through and that is just the way it is. That is what brought me to the point of killing myself.

When I was 16 years old I quit school and moved into an art school, which was meant for those same kids who just didn't fit the standard school, where we learned sketching, drawing, painting, photography and such, discovering different aspects and areas one can learn from and about. I thought I finally found a place where I can be freer and without obligating tasks, like those in the standard school where you get punished for not doing.
Couple of months after I started I flew to the United States for couple of weeks to join friends I've met in the previous summer for a reunion. I talked to the art school manager and got myself 3 weeks off, I organized everything which was needed, including the money for the whole trip, which I paid for and practically did everything by myself, something which to this day my mom tells about with wonder, I don't know how I did it, I just did. It filled me with a feeling that everything is possible, and flying to the states on my own, going through New York, Boston and Boltimore, some of the time on my own and some with friends was an amazing experience, one which changed my mindset for good, yet it was only when I came back that I realized it.

When I got back, I was told that I have 5 weeks to submit some works I hadn't submitted yet, and that if I won't I won't be allowed to go on with my studies.
That was the straw which broke the camel's back. Why on earth would anybody want to live like this? First to suffer so much and to do that only in order to do what other people tell me to do with the threat that if I won't I would be expelled and pushed away? Why even bother?
I was only 16 and a half, and realizing that I would have to go on living like this for 80-90 years sounded like asking to live in hell, why on earth would I do that to myself???

That brought me to the deepest brake down and depression I had ever experienced and the only 2 things which held me back from killing myself was the dilema of how should I do it (I thought it would be a nice experience to feel like I was flying before crushing down from a cliff and didn't know if it would be better than to find a pistol to make it nice and swift. Both options were available) and a good friend, who without even knowing about my situation, held me above water phone call after phone call.

Then it suddenly hit me, a thought just came out of nowhere: "Maybe nobody knows!! Maybe, just maybe, nobody knows it is possible to live in a different way. What if I would take my life and body, both I was about to give up on anyway, and see if whatever they are saying has any truth to it?"

Looking back at it today I realize that was the day I started taking myself out of other people's control and started gaining control of my own life.
Today I can say only this, to whomever would listen and want to hear, the choice is yours, the control of your own life is yours. It is not an easy choice, for it is much more comfortable to let other people tell us what to do, yet the benefit of the feeling that I can choose how to live my own life, that I can choose to walk away when I don't want something anymore, that I can choose if I want something at all, the benefit that I can choose how to feel about myself, whether to love and trust myself or to hate my own guts, that benefit alone, worth every second of hardship.

Take the control, take it easy at first, do one step at a time maybe, yet take control of your own life, for it is your choice, and avoiding making it is the greatest regret one can ever have.

Take it, it's yours.