Doing what I want

For years I had been told that I can't just go around doing what I want, that I have other people to consider and to think about, that there are things which need to be done and most of all, that doing what I want is childish, that grownups take responsibility.

Mmm.... Interesting, if grownups take responsibility, then why is the world in such a mess? Most grownups I hear only blame the other side for their problems... Anyhow, I'm not here to write about others, I am here to write and share about myself.

So this is how I grew up up to the young age of 16 years old, or maybe it's not that young, doesn't matter really, I just remember that day after those two long weeks of despair when I was contemplating how to kill myself, that it suddenly struck me as a lightning: "Maybe nobody knows!!!" Maybe they don't know it is possible to live in a different way and that is why they keep telling me that it is impossible to do what I want in this world, living as I wish to live while living this life. It was at that moment when I decided wholeheartedly: "I will do only as I feel like and let's see what happens!!" After all, I was about to kill myself, so it didn't matter to me anymore whether I will live or die, worst can happen, I got to live a little while longer and got to see life in a different way than what I always heard it is before I will die. That decision changed my life forever and I never looked back. For me it was either to find it or to die.

It was 18 years ago this coming January, 18 years, and I am still alive :-) Go figure, ah? I am actually reaching adulthood in the "Doing what I feel like" life. I learned so much since then, I laughed many times before that from the moment I left school I started to learn and study. I have learned SO much ever since that day, about what I truly feel like and what it means (What I feel is right for me to do at any given moment and situation, that is instead of what I think is right for me), about what I truly want and aim to achieve in this life. I've learned how to achieve and accomplish my desires and dreams with the most subtle amount of energy used by me, allowing me to save my energy for when I really needed it. I've learned how to change the most unchangeable things (or so it always seems) and what I actually need to do in order to change them. I've learned SO MUCH!!!! And that was from simple observation on life and on the connection to myself.

So looking back today, to that hard painful day, to the day I made a decision which was leaned on the idea that I have no other way, I look back with a smile, a winning smile, because I did exactly how I felt it is right for me to live, each and every time, and I lived to tell the story.

May yourself guide your way,
Uriel

Family

What a topic... It always has been such an issue for me, yet today, after working on it for years, exploring what it means for me, participating in many self help workshops with it being my main issue, I've come to the point where I learned to love them.
It wasn't easy, I can tell you that, having so many complains against them, about how they raised me, what kind of beliefs they inserted in me and much more,  yet after all these years, I've come to point where I can see them from a different perspective, a different perspective from the teenager I once was, the angry teenager, the rebellious teenager, I've come to the point where I can see them from their perspective. And what a joy that is...

Today I am putting a lot of energy into improving our relationship, from the relationship with my parents to the relationship with each one of my brothers and sister. It's still a working process, changing a relationship which once was based on fear and anger to a one which is based on love and respect takes its time, yet already after a month and a half or so, the fruits begin to show, and what delicious fruits they are :-)

Yesterday my uncle, aunt and most of their family came for a short visit. I haven't seen them for couple of years (two of my cousins I haven't seen for way longer) and it was great being with them, talking to them face to face and hearing from them about their lives. Yet what took my attention at some point was what an amazing kind of family I have, such a different, unique, special and my kind of family I have. I had always been considered by many who know me as different, I just never knew what it means to be "normal", and suddenly, after realising what kind of family I come from, it made perfect sense. Of course I'm not normal, nobody in my family is!! And what a wondrous thing that is! Such uniqueness, such specialty, such.... Love for life!!!
I really do love my family these days, and it is such a huge change for me, realising where I come from and loving my sources.

If anybody ever asked me how could they change their lives for good, that would be one of my main and first things I would put my finger on, changing the relationship with the family. It is the source, where we come from, and who would probably stay in our lives for as long as we live. It is not a must of course, I know now I was blessed with a very loving family which I just had trouble accepting, yet if it's possible, if they are still there and in any way possible to reach, I would say simply this: loving ourselves is also loving the very source which we came from.

Today, after so many years of anger and hate, I, truly, love my family.

Love to you all
And may peace guide your way.
Uriel

Challenges 2

It amazes me each and every time, how challenging it is to create a change. I mean, at the end of it, it might look easy, you know, when we finally make the step and wonder what took us so long, yet I found the change starts way earlier, when we first thought of it. There is a saying: "Think on the end before you begin", I found it very much true, for the simple reason that before we thought of the change, why would we ever start moving toward it?

Ever since I was 12 years old, when I first started becoming aware of the process of change by creating conscious changes, I paid a lot of attention to it, for the simple reason I was scared of it, and throughout the years I looked into the process of change trying to recognize again and again what actually starts the whole process, in other words, I looked to find what do I need to do in order to create the desired change. Eventually, after 16 years of research, I found it, yet it took me 6 more years to actually acknowledge it and to start using it on daily basis. I guess I am kind of a perfectionist, always was, so it took me some time to admit I actually found something that works.

So why is it still a challenge? The challenge for me today is not to create the change, the challenge for me these days is to be patient while it's in the process. Today, after I have done my research, I know, without a single doubt, that if I truly want something, it is purely a matter of time until I reach it. The challenge is going through it again and again, knowing of all the emotions I will have to go through, which means a lot of energy I will have to let go of and to integrate the new one - some process of its own, knowing it will be hard for me to explain it to whoever is around me who doesn't understand how it works for me (I say here "for me", yet I truly believe, from years of observation, that people do go through a similar process, I believe I narrow it down to the very basic. Did I really? Only time will tell, I'm sure someone will come along later on in the future and develop it even more) yet the biggest challenge for me is being patient. I always had an issue with that, for I like to learn and to put things into test, I love moving forward and I have real issues with people who hold me back. When I was going to the field trips from school, I was almost always next to the guide who was leading the group, and very often was pulled back by my t-shirt neckline by those very guides, when they tried to slow me down. For me, to slow down, is the challenge.

So thank God there are still challenges, for I would be bored if there would not be any, what I am looking into now, is how to truly enjoy them when they are there, not to change them by changing my perspective, but to truly enjoy them as they are.

All the best to you all,

may your path be of love,

Uriel

Challenges

Hey,

Well, had another lecture today and it went great, lots of participation, great practice for me and except that, the sun was shining, so I should be feeling fine, right? I just wonder, as always, why do I not? I guess I can answer that, mentally, yet it always dazzles me when it comes... I guess I should explain a bit, ah? At least to myself...

It started off as a great day, the sunrise was beautiful, the walk in the fresh air, the silence which me and my dad walked today in, it felt good, and yes, I was excited of course, knowing that in few hours I would be standing in front of a group I met only one from and that was for only two minutes yesterday. So I was excited standing in front of the unknown, I knew what I was about to talk about, being after the first lecture at the beginning of this week, yet meeting a group of people I absolutely don't know was kind of a challenge for me, even though I did it before in Berlin, something in meeting Israelis challenges me, I guess it got something to do with growing up here, and not in the best of atmospheres. Yet I felt much better than I would have thought I would, and that was a good sign for me, a good sign that something is changing.

Then the day went on, I had lunch with my parents, in a very good vibe I might just add (this is so not obvious!!) and then after relaxing for a bit, went to take a midday nap, which I needed badly.
It was when I woke up that immediately I was in a bad mood, I guess it has something to do with the loud music my brother decided to play (he moved near by couple of weeks ago) in the middle of the afternoon, I was furious and it came in a second. Ever since then I just couldn't change it, is it because of that? Or is it just another part of the changing process I am going through? I noticed along the years that when I'm going through a changing process, I tend to go through a large variety of emotions, from Happiness and Fear all the way to Joy, Hatred, Love and Bliss. They just come and go, changing themselves as the time goes by. At the end of it the circle just stops for a while, and then a change in my reality occurs and something I wanted and decided to achieve suddenly just shows up in my life. I guess then I shouldn't be complaining, yet when I think about it now, it is just letting some steam off my chest. Life is a challenge sometimes, and I thank God for that, for it would be so boring if there won't be any challenge along the way. I already feel better, so thank you for being here and reading :-)

Changing is quite the challenge as it is, and if it wouldn't also poses tremendous amount of joy and presents, I guess I would had still hate it as I did when I was young.

Well, my chest if much better now, so I will be going to enjoy my evening. Thank you again for being here, it means a lot to me. You are most welcome to write and respond, would love to hear what's on your mind as well.

All the best,
Love
Uriel

Keeping up....

Woke up this morning for my second morning walk in a row, a reason for celebration for me :-) Doing things regularly, even twice in a row, is quite the challenge for me with the energy of change I live by since I was born.

I find it amazing today looking at the drastic change I managed to go through in my perspective toward the process of change, I used to be so afraid of it, literally choking on every step of the way, only to come to a point I wish for it, and if I don't have it, I create it. So now I am finding myself with a new challenge and that is how to live with my new grown passion when what I want now is to find and be in some kind of a routine.... challenges challenges :-) Thank god I learned to love those as well along the way.

I find it also very energizing to wake up early every morning for the walk, before I started I thought to myself: "What would I do with all those hours?" Now I keep finding what to do, it just comes. Today I had a wonderful conversation with my mom, with my father sitting with us listening. It was more her talking and sharing, and yes, sometimes she did mention an occasion I already heard about before, yet I found it so nice connecting to her again, hearing things I never heard before, about her past, emotions and more. I never had this kind of relationship with her, and I find it so relaxing and comforting to bond with her after so many years.

Later on they had to go on with their day and I found myself sitting down at the balcony. I was thinking about publishing my book as an Ebook so after looking up at other descriptions, getting an idea of how it should look like, I started writing my own. I never realized until that moment what I actually managed to do along the years. It was when I looked up for the book's most fitting category that I came across the sub-category of "Depression". It is just about 18 years ago (next month) that I went through the hardest depression I had ever come across, a depression which almost brought me to the point of committing suicide. I thank god, and one of my best friends ever, for being there, holding me above water, although I suspect my friend didn't know anything about it, I barely ever shared my feelings with people, especially the closest ones. It was then that I realized who my book is intended for and those are the ones who feel they had lost their way and path. It is such a horrible feeling, feeling lost and helpless, that I just wish people will remember that there is ALWAYS a way.

After I finished writing, I leaned back on the chair and put some music on, letting the insight sink in. It was then I realized what I actually did, coming from a point of hating the world so much, of fearing it, of being so angry with it, with the people who hurt me so much, all the way to the point I thank those kids who made my life a living hell, of loving the pain I had, and still have, to go through and to one of my top  ever favorite achievements - to the point I came to love the unknown.

Oh how I wish I could share this knowledge around the world, how I wish I would be able to share my story, so every man, woman and child would know that.... It is O.K. We can all just breathe.

Thank you for being here and reading this, would love to hear from you, so please leave a comment :-)

All the best, and please, keep on dreaming!

Love

Uriel

Changing habits

Woke up this morning to join my father on his daily walk, it's amazing, he's closing on 74 and for the past 10-15 (I think) he's been doing it every single day. When I woke up yesterday morning, I realized it is about time to take my changing process to another level, the phisical realm.
I had been practicing change for the past 22 years, changing thoughts and ideas, beliefs and thoughts patterns which held me back and yes, it did lead me to dramatical changes in my life, phisical ones as well, yet it always felt as it is not quite connected to the reality which I live in. That is why I decided to bring my changing experience to my body, to my phisical health, to the holding base of everything we live by while living this life, to earth.

So I woke up this morning and walked along with him, now I feel my muscles hurt (LOL!!!) and I love it, that is such a good sign that my body needed it, that the changing process had already began. I find it funny that so many people want to change something in their lives, yet the moment a little pain comes along, the moment a little hardenship drops by for a surprise visit, they fly right back to the comfort and the known, after all, isn't that a normal part of change? Aren't we tired after a good workout at the gym? Wasn't it also hard? Of course it was and of course the muscles ache, so where's the difference?
Well, critisism is not my cup of tea, just had to take it out of the system... (I guess)

Now I'm looking forward to the rest of the process, it will take time, as usual, and commitment, another usual, and it would be fantastic to see and observe the changes it will bring along with it :-)

All the best to you all,
Keep changing and keep loving!!
Uriel

A new beginning

When I was recommended to start writing a blog by a good friend of mine, he said: "write something every day, no matter what it would be about".
Of course I knew very well what it would be about, the challenge for me is to do it every day. Change had always been a big part of my life and I found it hard along the way not to change, or should I say to stay in one place for a bit. There just always seem to be something that was boring, not enough and not satisfying. So as usual, and it didn't surprise me now to realise, I "forgot" to write something yesterday...

Well, there is another reason (There always is ;-)), last night I gave a new lecture and throughout the day I couldn't think of anything else, I mean NOTHING ELSE.
I was petrified and even my body reacted to it, creating a new source of pain in the middle of my spine. The "normal" headache came later :-)
Yet, as I found it along the years, the fear which causes all these issues is just that, fear. The lecture came out wonderful, I knew what to say and how to show it, the place was a Full House, leaving me barely 2sqm to stand on and many people came to me at the end to ask more questions and to share their thoughts and to thank me, what a wonderful feeling!!!!

Today I woke up feeling a bit sick, not something I trouble myself too much about, for I grew to realize that feeling a bit sick (or sometimes more) can very well be a part of the process of change which we go through along the years.

I want to finish today's sharing with something I wrote the night before last, just as I was about to go to sleep, wondering if I would be able with the excitment before my lecture, it just came to me, as it usually does. So here it is, have a great day or night and please, keep on dreaming!!

Do you believe in fairytales?

Do you remember the time when you saw or read a fairytail and dreamed it was possible?
Do you remember the time when one of those magic fairytails made you dream and wonder? Do you remember the feeling it left you with? Like anything is possible, right? So what happened? Why did you stop believing?
Now, this is no accusation, it happened to all of us, but why is that? What made us all forget about our dreams?

Well... Do you remember that saying: "You can't go around doing everything that you want"? Or is it just me hearing it over and over again?
For some unknown reason, year after year, decade after decade, generation after generation, we were brought up to believe that some things are just impossible, and for some mysterious reason, we are made to keep believing it althought we have all the proofs that we will ever need, seeing people all throughtout the history, doing the impossible even though so much stood in their way, we still tend to look at why is it impossible other than why it is possible as day light.

So why is that? Why do we keep holding back on our dearest of desires? Why do we keep dreaming when all we need is to wake up and understand that everything is possible? Even today's science proves it today, our lives are filled with infinite possiblities, we can, literally, be, do and have anything that we so wishfully desire and dream about.

So what is it? What is your grandest wish and desire? What do you dream about in the depth of your thoughts and being?
Don't be afraid of it, it is you, your deepest self. Breathe in and out and let yourself be, let your dreams come true.
What better way is there than to be truly happy while living this life?