Waking up this morning, I very soon realized that I am shaking, physically!
Now, it is winter, yet it is an Israeli winter, it's not that cold ;-) I am in good health, thank god, so what is going on? Well, I guess it has something to do with the excitement I experience at the moment because of my lecture tomorrow... Something just feels different this time...
Will it be? Will it really be different? Who knows, it might be just as the ones in the past were, so why am I feeling like this?
The day went on, I sat down to eat with my parents, then went to take care of last things, buying myself a whiteboard eraser, and after sitting down for a coffee with a good friend, drove back home.
As I was about to enter my Kibbutz I looked across the road at the hills which I went for many walks in the past on, and immediately felt like going there again. I haven't been there for ages, and felt a longing to go and walk through the woods I walked so many time through, paths and wild boars tracks which I walked and traveled through for so many years back then when I was a teenager.
Those hills were my escape root, an escape root to heaven, where there are no people to tell me what to do and how to act, where the trees give me peace and clean air to breathe, where so many insights came to me, back then when I tried to make sense of this thing called life.... I just had to go and pay a visit.
So after dropping my father back in the house and taking an apple and a bottle of water for the road, I took my boots and went to my little piece of paradise. I really felt like going to one of the fields in the middle of the hills, it is one of the largest ones there, and thinking back to 18 years ago, I remembered how I healed my fear of bees at that same field, walking into it on spring time, when it was filled with flowers and endless amount of bees flew around. an adopted brother of mine who was with me said: "Let's go in!" and without him knowing about my fear, I decided not to say a word and to just walk into the middle of it. After walking around 50-100 meters, we just lay down on the ground and looked up to the head of the flowers. It was then that it hit me, they are absolutely not interested in me, so why fear them? It is an insight I will probably remember forever :-)
Standing there, in the middle of that same field, 18 years after, felt like a life time away, and looking on the new plants growing, thinking about it right now, feels like a new growth is about to occur, in me.
So I am moving onward, into a new path, maybe even a new kind of life, I am moving onward from the path I used to walk for such a long time, the path of learning about fear, I am moving onward to the path of learning about love.
May love be with you,
Uriel
